Poker Face

My sister left me a message this morning.  OK…I lied.  She’s not my blood connected sister.  In fact, we are sisters-in-law.  But we both decided we loathed the in-law addition to our shared title.  We dropped it years ago, and just introduced one another as if we had spent our thumb-sucking years together.  And now, I swear, we have come to look alike.  Well, in some ways.  She wears a proud doubled, and I am stuck in the early alphabet letters.  But other than that hearty discrepancy, we smile the same.  We laugh the same.  And when we are together, I think our voices start to sound like one.    And since we are both Scorpios, we share some cosmic connection that the stars understand.  So after enough time, we have created our own true sisterhood.

Back to her message…it was simple.  “Hey, Else!  My thought for you today: fake it until you make it.  I love you.  Bye!”  Ok, I get it!  If I can at least put that smile there, hear in my own words that I’m doing well, healing strong, enjoying the stationary bike…it will happen.  Right?  Hmmmmm….

I was in the presence of a lady who was asked how she was doing.  Her answer was truthful. “I’m ok.” It was followed with a litany of questions from the inquirer regarding procedures, complications, advise and the like.  I added a few feeble thoughts to their conversation.  It weakened me.  I felt saddened that she was living her day feeling marginal.  But she was truthful.  And perhaps in her honesty, she gained some insight.  Or at least company.  For her, there was no faking it.

As the grocer checks out my kiwis and cantaloupes and asks, “How’s your day?”, maybe he really want me to keep it brief, light and upbeat.  It keeps his day beating in the same light rhythm.  The exchange can keep its joyful tone, just long enough for me to decide debit or credit, before I head out with carrots and brussel sprouts.

There are days I really want to let them know…“It sucks!  I accidentally kicked over two children with this boot.  I watched runners pass by and want to pull a Tonya Harding out of cruel jealousy and self-pity!  And try as I may, I can’t do a backstroke without somehow growing gills first!”  But I don’t.  I tell them it has been a good day.  And somehow, that little bit of faking it keeps me lighter too.  We can see the beauty of asparagus stalks versus the weight of my boot.

The problem is, I have been told, that most things are worn quite plainly on my face.  If I play a game of strategy, I can do pretty well.  If it involves bluffing, forget it.  You may as well just hold my cards yourself.  Such can be true on those simple, sweet, passing pleasantries.  As long as they don’t look too long, or just keep staring at the blueberries, they may not know my other reality.

But my sister’s advise holds truth…even though it suggests farce.  Because when you do tell them you are fine, when you hear your own words making a proclamation of positive synergy, it does start to become your own truth.  You start to see yourself in a brighter light.  And even on the darkest days, I can almost guarantee that there is something that lets off a glimmer.  And if you answer from that little sparkle, it is still your sweetly embellished truth.

If I look at the whole deck, surely there are some cards that may be fine, even good. I unintentionally kicked a kid…but at least he didn’t kick me back.  And thank goodness those little cutie oranges are in season now.  So, I guess you might not believe I have a royal flush.  But I do have a good pear!