One of Us

I remember the day Robin Williams took his life. In a pool of tears and weak knees, i fell into my mom’s arms and agreed to take medication for this cloud that enveloped me. It seemed as if someone who had given so much light to the world didn’t feel his worth in taking his own space, that I was allowed to hold the same feeling.  His act of release, of suicide, gave me the strength to hold on.

And now two people who riddled the world of fashion and travel have done the same. The details won’t matter…financial ruin, love affairs, illness, demons.  What matters is they may have thought that life, and the people they loved, would be better off without them.

It sounds dire and dark.  But in a state of depression, anxiety, or the host of other mental spaces we can hold, it is a perceived truth. Our flaws are, in that condition, too big to overlook.  Our mistakes to grand to undo or learn from. And our darkness to blinding to see through.  And someone life becomes unbearably hard to live. For us and for those that love us.

For me, it was the masks I wore.  There was such shame I held in my heart, about who I was, the roles I held, the things I had failed to be, the gratitude I could not grasp, that standing in me was too difficult.  I would fear the sun rising and unveiling my truth. I wanted to hide beneath the covers and let the world spin without me.

But there were things I had to do…for me, for my children, for my animals, for my home. And doing them took everything.  I would pretend I was present in these daily duties. But inside I was tearing myself apart…ripping at every shred of my humanness…shamed for finding flaws in my blessed life.

And then Robin Williams took his life.  A man I saw as giving, generous, real, human, willing to laugh and able to cry…decided that his world, his mind, his body, his soul needed rest from whatever it was that tormented him. That act set me on a journey, a three-year journey, to fight for my own life. And now, I am living.

To Robin, to Kate, to David…I don’t know you. But I do.  May your souls have found the peace you sought, and may you realize you have brought this truth to light. The world is talking now.  And maybe your act of suicide has given another person in the dark the courage to seek light, to see you as one of us, and be willing to hold on.