Independence Day

Funny that we are such interwoven creatures, seeking connection in even the smallest exchanges. But how we value our independence. We marvel when babies sleep through the night, then eventually in their own rooms, and finally leaving the comfort of our nests. We hold to one another, until someday we feel strong enough to let go and stand alone…sort of. And we celebrate with chili and fireworks!

Most are celebrating our independent country tonight, perhaps with tongue in cheek, chili in hand. I am at home. Alone. Except for seven dogs, not all mine, but these hounds are seeking safety from the exploding fireworks. And I am trying to make extra money to give me breathing room in all my financial turmoil. I suppose I am finding my own independence too. My marriage is dissolving. My girls are growing. My responsibilities shifting. I am not ready to celebrate, but at least reflect. What is my freedom?

I am free of bearing the responsibility of others. I can listen, reflect, share, witness, advise if asked, or simply sit with those who wish my presence. But I am free of being the one who holds blame. I will do my best to accept my responsibility but not others’ guilt.

I am free of being in relationships that no longer serve me. I do not need to give my energy to people and places where a wall is hit and the connection becomes flat, bitter or resentful.

I am free of cultural confines that I haven’t chosen. If my path is different than the cultural norm, that is mine. If one is curious or concerned, they can ask, and I can choose to share. But I do not need to explain myself to others.

I am free to choose life. After having been in the darkest spaces of my own mind, I am free to live this life as I need. I know what it to be too afraid to live. I want the life that follows to accept that life is hard, but rest in the assurance that I have the right, and the soul, to take my space.

So, the dogs are finally starting to settle down. And I am free to put as many of them in my room, in my bed, in my heart as I wish. I am free to dance in the kitchen. I am free to load the dishwasher haphazardly.and leave towels on the floor. I am free to cry at love songs or commercials. I am free to laugh and love. And to stand alone…sort of.

Happy Fourth…